DIARY OF HER LIFE

In the name of Allah the most Gracious the most Merciful

cuak. One word. I just video called my fam. my little c's.So I guess 700$ usd and RM1600 was not wasted just like that. I feel more like been at home all the time. Anyway back to the topic. I'm cuak. What's it all about? I don't know. My mum said something and I just felt like I've been slapped. It's felt like I just wake up from a dream, a really long dream. I just wake up but I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should do. I'm blurring. I'm still blurring. It's been 3 months and 6 days since school open and I'm afraid I'm still there. Should I just walk? Or should I start to run? I don't  know. No one ever told me what to do because they don't care or just because they merely knew I wouldn't care even if they talked.

What I should do? Asking myself. Thinking.......

I did start before. A quick and a sudden start. Then it stops. Also a sudden stop. Why? I don't know. I just stop. It's been 3 weeks since I stop and it's really hard to start again.

So what now? Don’t know.  The problem now is I don’t feel like want to care. Can I just take some times off? But it’s been 3 weeks. How much longer do I need? Another one week? Another one day? Maybe..? arghhhhh….I just, don’t know. I never trust myself. Today I say something different, tomorrow I do something entirely different from my thoughts. Or I do something different from what I thought I want to do one hour ago. It’s just me. Like my bff said

“Ima, aku dah tak terkejut kalau ko buat announcement terkejut camni. Ima yang aku da 8 tahun kenal memang ske buat bende tiba-tiba. Tiba-tiba je ko..tiba-tiba je....tiba-tiba.......je"

And I guess in the end I still have to start again. But maybe this time slowly. As they said “a sudden start can lead to a sudden stop”.  By the way, it’s early of the month so I’m not curious why I’m like this. The hormones…. sometimes they can make you all crazy. Not crazy as “crazy” but crazy as a “bengong mengada-ngada” haha

Anyway to start something first step is the most difficult step. So maybe I should start thinking what my first step is. That’s it for now. Think. Slowly. That’s better. I think. Keyboard off. -n-

write to breathe

love,

fatima azmi